Sunday, February 20, 2011

"I'm glad I'm not a fish"

I've been having a rough day- but I have a blog for that- I was just explaining as to why I was still in the process of getting ready for my day at 10 AM Central US Time. As I was blow-drying my hair, I had an episode of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" on Animal Planet. It was an episode about tiger sharks ("Tiger Sharks in Danger", I believe was the title). At any rate, the show was talking about this area in Bimini where a wreck happened and they quickly built a sandbar to keep the chemicals and such from going into the freshwater areas where other fish spawn. And those fish were a huge food source for some sharks. And those sharks still come to that area, despite the sandbar. Well, that sandbar was washed away by a storm and the sharks were there and becoming increasingly impatient and frustrated and would start eating any fish in the area.

And that's when DG told me: "I'm glad I'm not a fish. Unless I'm the biggest, baddest fish out there." I started to say, "Then you'd want to be a whale shark" when he added, "With a tattoo on my fin that says "make my day". Yeah."

Me: "Really?"

DG: "Yes."

Me: "So, how do you get this tattoo?"

DG: "People would come down and give me a tattoo, but if it hurts, I'm gonna eat 'em."

Me: "You know tattoos hurt [he has one, I have eight], so you'd eat a tattoo artist and have a half-finished tattoo. How would you convince other tattoo artists to come down to the ocean every time?"

DG: "I wouldn't tell them I was gonna eat 'em! Sheesh, woman!"

Me: "Soooo... let me get this straight."

DG: "Yes?"

Me: "You're the biggest, baddest fish out there, with a tattoo on your fin- your dorsal or your pectoral fin?"

DG: "Its a surprise."

Me: "I see. So, big, bad fish, with a 'make my day' tattoo- done by several artists because you eat the ones that make the tattoo hurt."

DG: "I'd be like a piranha- swimming around, eating everything... except I'm way bigger than a piranha and with-"

Me: "-with a tattoo."

DG: "You know it."

After a pause, he started up again: "I'd have a song. You know like Spiderman has that lady who sings that song." (I only assume he was talking about in the movie when that street busker is singing the Spiderman theme song).

Me: "How would you hear it?"

DG: "Hear what?"

Me: "Most song writers are human."

DG: "Oh, I'd have to hear it from the shore. They'd come down and play it for me. And if I didn't like it... I'd eat 'em."

Me: "But you can't go on shore."

DG: "I'll tell them I like it and when they come to the shore to shake my hand-"

Me: "Fin?"

DG: "Whatever. When they come down to shake my fin, I'd eat 'em!"

Me: "So, you're a big, badass fish, with a tattoo who eats things like a piranha does, who ate several tattoo artists, and will eat any composers who write a song you don't like. Right?"

DG: "Yes."

Me: "Too bad you don't sing [see the videos where he tells us he's not singing when he clearly is], because you could write your own theme song."

DG: "Don't be ridiculous! I'm a fish. Fish can't sing!"

Me: "But you're telling me this story and if fish can't sing, then they can't talk."

As I was walking downstairs, he called out: "Don't you write about this!"

I replied, "Too late!"

And he said, "Damn!"

I posted as my status update on Facebook:

I have to write a disabled guy blog about how he's glad he's not a fish. Unless he was the biggest, baddest fish out there. With a tattoo. And a theme song.

And I got some replies. And one of those replies was from Michael Mock

The song:

‎"I am the baddest of the very bad fish.
Bad like me? You can only wish.
I've got big teeth and fins that swish.
I am the baddest of the very bad fish.

There's a tattoo on my fin.
I a broke a fishhook and I'll do it again.
Don' mess with me, I always win!
I'm the baddest fish there's ever been."

(as this was posted when I started writing this blog, I asked if I could use it and was given permission).

Apparently, DG didn't like this song. I did. The kids did. DG said, "Not like that! Like 'Jaws' but cooler."

And also, it is a theme song, it has lyrics, but seeing as he's a fish, he can't sing them (because, as you know, he doesn't sing anyway).

As I was drawing this post to a close, this question was posed over on my status, by Carol, "If he can't talk, how did he tell the guy what to tattoo? Or did he do that himself? One-finned, you say?" (the "one-finned, you say" is a running joke we have about him doing stuff one-handed).

His reply: "I don't know. I'm not a fish."

Me: "But I'm hearing this story about how you're a fish."

DG: "No, you're wishing you were hearing this story."

And after a pause, he said, "That'd be cool, though."


steff said...

considering this conversation, you really should read "Fluke" by Christopher Moore. (it's a really funny book and if I didn't know better, this whole conversation looks like a play on the story. hehe)

Pahz said...

I love Christopher Moore, but I have not read that book yet. If its as awesome as the other stuff I've read, I can hardly wait.