Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Of course I'm sure, I've been trained for this

The Michael Keaton version of "Batman"  is on cable right now. DG walked through the living room.

DG: "Superman..."

Me: "Batman?"

DG: "No, that reporter guy. Superman 2." (he held up two fingers)

Me: "What reporter guy? Clark Kent was a reporter."

DG: "The guy in Superman 2. He was in Superman too."

Me: "This is 'Batman' and the only reporter in it is Vickie Vale."

DG: "Are you sure? I think that guy was in Superman." (every time he'd say "that guy" or point, it was always Jack Nicholson on screen).

Finally he said, "NOT that guy... the other reporter in Superman."

Me: "Lois Lane?"

DG: "THAT GUY! No, wait, that guy... dammit!"

Me: "Jimmy Olson?"

DG: "YES! Is that him?"

Me: "You're talking about that obnoxious dude who is friends with Vickie Vale? His name is Robert Wuhl."

DG: "I am? I am."

Me: "No, that wasn't Jimmy Olson from Superman."

DG: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Of course I'm sure, I've been trained for this kind of situation." 

For your viewing pleasure- 
Jimmy Olson from the "Superman" movies and Robert Wuhl in "Batman".

I can see it, I guess.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Turkey fighting- it isn't what you think.

Our son works nights at a local factory (well-known maker of delicious things). Today, he came home around 645 AM and was carrying a box. Apparently, the factory gave all their employees a frozen ten pound turkey. (the "unclaimed" turkeys go to a local charity).

Jase got the turkey into the freezer and then he went to bed. DG came down just now and I said: "Hey, Jason brought home a turkey."

DG: "What?"

I told him how the factory gave out turkeys to their employees.

DG: "We already have a turkey. Did it fit in the freezer?"

Me: "Apparently."

DG: "I hope it don't fight with the other turkey." [I just looked at him and he continued] "You know, cuz they hate each other."

Me: "Frozen dead turkeys hate each other?"

DG: "Yeah. You know how turkeys are." [no, apparently I don't!]

There was a several moment pause.

DG: "I hope they don't start nothing. We'll end up with little turkeys everywhere."

Me: "You just said they were going to fight."

DG: [scoffing noise] "They gotta have makeup sex..." [with a tone of "duh, how did you not know"]

That's where he left it. He went and got his coffee and when he sat down in the living room, I had to tell him one thing about frozen turkeys.

Me: "Even if they do have makeup sex, I don't think little turkeys would be a problem... most turkeys that are butchered and frozen for eating are boy turkeys."

DG: "Ah, well... they're gonna fight then."

Me: "What if they're gay turkeys? They can still have makeup sex."

DG: "I ain't never heard of gay turkeys."

Me: "Why not? They have gay penguins."

DG: "No they don't."

Me: "They're in the news and I think they raised a baby together."

DG: "These ain't penguins. These are turkeys. And they hate each other." [short pause] "They're gonna fight."

So... frozen turkeys hate each other and are going to fight... but frozen turkeys can't be gay.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Don't Look! (while I stand right here in front of you)

Sorry I haven't updated this in a while. I've been busy and heck and keep forgetting the details of the conversations to share them. I have a bunch of stuff I've put in the group on Facebook (I wish I had made that a fan page instead of a "group"... I suppose I could do that when I think about it... but not now!).
Where was I?

Oh, this conversation. I said on Facebook that this conversation would include anatomy and it would be using a euphemism. Well, it will. And it does. The Euphemism in question comes from an episode of "The Simpsons" where Homer runs outside naked and Flanders calls out: "Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle!"
(go on, click the link. I have it all cued up to that point and you can hear it happen).

We have one bathroom in this house- because the person who designed it was insane, that's what I think- anyway, because of this, we try not to monopolize the bathroom with things that can be done elsewhere. In my case, I blow dry my hair in my bedroom. And having spent all those years in pain, I got in the habit of sitting on the bed and not using a mirror.

DG has been sick (a lovely case of "waaah, I have a cold! Oh now, now it's become a chest cold!") lately and while the mix of Disabled Guyisms and Nyquil has been entertaining, the conversations were short and usually when I was otherwise occupied and couldn't take notes (Yes, I take notes sometimes).

Today, I was blow-drying my hair and he came into the room. He proceeded to whine about being sick briefly and then took off his sweatshirt and PJ pants to go take a shower. As he started to leave, he stopped and took off his boxers too.

He stood in front of the TV (which is where I was looking) and took a Superman stance. "Stop staring at me."

Me: "I can see your doodle."

He turned slightly, still in front of me and said, "No! Stop looking at it!"

Me: "If I keep looking at it, will it do tricks?"

DG put his hand up, thinking he was blocking my view, but he wasn't. "Don't look at it! He's shy."

Me: "Shy? Really?"

DG: "Yeah, he's shy and he doesn't like it when you stare. He feels self-conscious." He turned around more and then blocked his, uh, doodle, with his hand. "There, now he's safe."

Me: "Safe from what?"

DG: "Your eyes with their looking."

Me: "Maybe your doodle should tell you to move the hell outta my way."

DG: "Don't talk about him like he's not here!"

Me: "Maybe he should leave the room if he's so shy and self-conscious."

DG: "He wants to leave, but he can't. He's got rollers and can't even use them." As he walked out of the room, slowly, sideways, he said: "He's got two flats! Two flat rollers and he can't go nowhere!"

He shuffled to the bathroom and I finished blow-drying my hair. When he came back in, he put on new boxers, took the Superman stance again, and informed me: "He's safe now. He feels safe. He's at home."

Oh, and totally random... we have a new pet rat. First we had Mittens- who was pardoned after living here for a month and a half and not being eaten by the snake. Then a while later, we got Boots.

Now we have Tuxedo. Yes. Tuxedo. She's black and white, hence the name. We've got Boots, Mittens, and Tuxedo.