This is about two conversations. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other, but they happened within days of each other.
The first one- speed talking. Sort of. Since the stroke, the Disabled Guy doesn't speak as fast as normal people. Not all the time. Sometimes, he gets on a roll and he can rattle just like the rest of us. He keeps a conversational pace, but he doesn't talk fast.
So, the other morning, I was upstairs after I showered and dressed, watching the end of the Daily Show when DG came into our room. He was excited.
DG: "Did you know that guy was in Street Fighter?"
Me: "Jon Stewart was not in Street Fighter!"
DG: "No, not him. That guy. You know that guy?"
Me: "Yeah, I always know that guy..."
DG: "That guy, he was in Geronimo? You know, Geronimo? He was in Geronimo. You know who that guy is? In Geronimo?"
Me: "Which guy? There are lots of guys in Geronimo."
DG: "That guy you like." and he paused and repeated: "In Geronimo. I said Geronimo, right? With that guy?"
I started to chuckle, I couldn't stop myself. He repeated "Geronimo" so many times and so quickly it just started to sound funny. I replied, "Yeah, you said Geronimo."
Then he hollered it like he was jumping from an airplane, including fading his voice out at the end.
I made an assumption- "Are you talking about the guy who was in Last of the Mohicans?"
Me: "One of the good guys? One of the bad guys?"
DG: "Not that one but the other one you like."
Me: "Wes Studi?"
DG: "Yeah! That's him. He's in Street Fighter."
And now onto the "buff... parts"...
DG is watching NASCAR. And the stations show their share of ridiculous and sport-related commercials. One of those commercials is the Jimmy Johnson "Extenze" ads. DG exclaimed, "I need that."
I don't watch NASCAR and most of the time, I'll have headphones on while the race is on. So I asked, "What do you need?"
DG: "That stuff... see..."
Me: "You don't need Extenze!"
DG: "Yes, I do! What does it do?"
So I told him what they meant by "natural male enhancement" and because it's the Disabled Guy, I had to be blunt about it. "They say it'll make your penis bigger... and uh... stronger."
DG: "I totally need that."
He doesn't. Okay? Everything he's got works just fine and there's nothing wrong with... uh... his parts. And I said so. Because, good gravy, what the hell?
DG: "I could take it and then make it STRONG!" and he flexed his arm in front of him. "I could make it do push-ups! MAKE IT BUFF!"
Me: "You're going to do push-ups with your dick?"
DG: "You don't know because you just don't have a penis. But a strong penis... STRONG!"
Me: "That shit doesn't work."
DG: "You don't know that!"
Me: "What would you do if it did work?"
DG: "I don't know if it works."
Me: "Let's just say it DOES work... would you make it run up and down stairs?"
DG: "Yes! PT! PT! PT! I'd make it SWEAT!" (PT, for those not in the know, is short for "Physical Training" and they do it almost every morning in the military).
Me: "You'd make your dick sweat?"
DG: "Only if that stuff works. Hey, you're not typing this are you?"
Me: "No... I was just wondering what you'd do with your penis if you had that stuff."
DG: "I think you're typing this. Well, he's got to do PT and he's got to do it on his own. I don't know, he comes with me when I go on my walk. You know it's true."
DG: "Are you typing this?"
Me: "A little."
DG: "I kinda figured that. You're telling the world about my little penis."
Me: "It's not little. You're fine."
DG: "You know it is... *holds up his pinky* I know most guys wouldn't say that about their penis."
Me: "So why are you saying it?"
DG: "I know I got a small one. You might as well have fun with it. They can't laugh at you if you make the joke first. *his tone dropped* You don't even know, do you?"
Me: "Are you still talking to me?"
DG: "No, I'm talking to myself."