Saturday, March 26, 2011

Speed-talking and Buff... uh... parts

This is about two conversations. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other, but they happened within days of each other.

The first one- speed talking. Sort of. Since the stroke, the Disabled Guy doesn't speak as fast as normal people. Not all the time. Sometimes, he gets on a roll and he can rattle just like the rest of us. He keeps a conversational pace, but he doesn't talk fast.

So, the other morning, I was upstairs after I showered and dressed, watching the end of the Daily Show when DG came into our room. He was excited.

DG: "Did you know that guy was in Street Fighter?"

Me: "Jon Stewart was not in Street Fighter!"

DG: "No, not him. That guy. You know that guy?"

Me: "Yeah, I always know that guy..."

DG: "That guy, he was in Geronimo? You know, Geronimo? He was in Geronimo. You know who that guy is? In Geronimo?"

Me: "Which guy? There are lots of guys in Geronimo."

DG: "That guy you like." and he paused and repeated: "In Geronimo. I said Geronimo, right? With that guy?"

I started to chuckle, I couldn't stop myself. He repeated "Geronimo" so many times and so quickly it just started to sound funny. I replied, "Yeah, you said Geronimo."

Then he hollered it like he was jumping from an airplane, including fading his voice out at the end.

I made an assumption- "Are you talking about the guy who was in Last of the Mohicans?"

DG: "Yes!"

Me: "One of the good guys? One of the bad guys?"

DG: "Not that one but the other one you like."

Me: "Wes Studi?"

DG: "Yeah! That's him. He's in Street Fighter."

And now onto the "buff... parts"...

DG is watching NASCAR. And the stations show their share of ridiculous and sport-related commercials. One of those commercials is the Jimmy Johnson "Extenze" ads. DG exclaimed, "I need that."

I don't watch NASCAR and most of the time, I'll have headphones on while the race is on. So I asked, "What do you need?"

DG: "That stuff... see..."

Me: "You don't need Extenze!"

DG: "Yes, I do! What does it do?"

So I told him what they meant by "natural male enhancement" and because it's the Disabled Guy, I had to be blunt about it. "They say it'll make your penis bigger... and uh... stronger."

DG: "I totally need that."

He doesn't. Okay? Everything he's got works just fine and there's nothing wrong with... uh... his parts. And I said so. Because, good gravy, what the hell?

DG: "I could take it and then make it STRONG!" and he flexed his arm in front of him. "I could make it do push-ups! MAKE IT BUFF!"

Me: "You're going to do push-ups with your dick?"

DG: "You don't know because you just don't have a penis. But a strong penis... STRONG!"

Me: "That shit doesn't work."

DG: "You don't know that!"

Me: "What would you do if it did work?"

DG: "I don't know if it works."

Me: "Let's just say it DOES work... would you make it run up and down stairs?"

DG: "Yes! PT! PT! PT! I'd make it SWEAT!" (PT, for those not in the know, is short for "Physical Training" and they do it almost every morning in the military).

Me: "You'd make your dick sweat?"

DG: "Only if that stuff works. Hey, you're not typing this are you?"

Me: "No... I was just wondering what you'd do with your penis if you had that stuff."

DG: "I think you're typing this. Well, he's got to do PT and he's got to do it on his own. I don't know, he comes with me when I go on my walk. You know it's true."

Me: "What?"

DG: "Are you typing this?"

Me: "A little."

DG: "I kinda figured that. You're telling the world about my little penis."

Me: "It's not little. You're fine."

DG: "You know it is... *holds up his pinky* I know most guys wouldn't say that about their penis."

Me: "So why are you saying it?"

DG: "I know I got a small one. You might as well have fun with it. They can't laugh at you if you make the joke first. *his tone dropped* You don't even know, do you?"

Me: "Are you still talking to me?"

DG: "No, I'm talking to myself."


Lettie said...

You've done it again! LOL

And according to the ad below this post, he can also increase the size of his ARM! Wow! Penis and arm doing PT together. Should be interesting.

wizardjks said...

i'm sure there'd be very few men that didn't think their dick wasn't big enough at some point in time

but then again it doesn't matter how big it is it's how you use it haha

Jessica_Iowa said...

How in the dear sweet Christ how do you keep a straight face?!?!

Many of your posts make me laugh, but this one really made me bust a gut! :D

Pahz said...

Jessica, we don't keep a straight face! As long as he realizes he's being goofy or crazy, we laugh. He even says, "Don't laugh at me!" and sometimes he'll butcher some movie quote in an attempt. His favorite butchered quote is from "Steel Magnolias" where Julia Roberts is in the salon and just had her low-blood-sugar freak out. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" except in a high-pitched man's voice and he hangs the last syllable, holding it long.

Then he laughs. And if we can get HIM to laugh, he can't stop. And I really want to get that on video.