Friday, March 11, 2011

A topic of a "delicate" nature...

The disabled guy has decided to start walking for exercise. What annoys me is that I walked for years (four miles a day, every day, rain/snow/cold/hot) and I know how far many of the intersections are from our house. Obviously, I can't walk as far as he does anymore (I will be, eventually). So I have told him, "X-street and Y-street are exactly a half mile from here, then you turn on Y-street and go to Z-street and that's another half mile..." and I've told him several routes that are not only all sidewalk or bike path, but also well-lit (he goes right before the sun comes up).

Leave it to him to zig-zag his gimpy ass all over the place. I told him he needs to pick a route and stay with it (or pick a few different ones and use only those) because if something happens and he has to call for a ride, I'm going to need to know where he is... and his phone call of, "I dunno, I'm near a blue house..." isn't quite going to cut it.

But I digress... on to the "delicate nature" promised in the title.

Here's a fact about the disabled guy you don't want to know. He goes commando. That is, he doesn't wear underwear. Once in a while he will, but not under normal, everyday circumstances. The other day, he was getting undressed for a shower after his walk and I said, with some surprise, that he was wearing underwear.

He said he had to. I asked why.

DG: "Because it gets hot. And nobody likes it when it gets hot like that."

Me: "Hot? It's 24° outside." (that's Fahrenheit).

DG: "Not that kind of hot. But you know..." *waves his hand in the general delicate area* "Hot."

Me: "Ohhhh, ohhh, I see. That area gets hot... and... underwear helps that?"

DG: *sigh* "It gets all hot and then it falls out the bottom."

Now, I'm quite shocked. I'm not sure we're talking about the same delicate area. So, I ask directly: "Your balls get hot and fall out the bottom... of what?"

DG: "Yes, my balls! What else would I be talking about?"

Me: "How do your balls fall out the bottom of anything? Of what are your balls falling from?"

DG: "Not falling out of! That's ridiculous! They fall down and get hot, like in NASCAR, the bottom just falls out and..." *wiggles fingers upwards while making a crackling sound* "Like fire! HOT!"

Me: "Your balls catch on fire from friction?"

DG: "Almost! And there's PAIN!" *more fire noise*

So, what I understand is that when he's walking all willy-nilly around the neighborhood, if he's not wearing underwear, his delicate man-parts get rubbed the wrong way and apparently burst into flames.

Then he said, "Plus, if I get hit by a car, it would be embarrassing not to have any drawers on!"

(for the record, when he had the stroke fifteen years ago, he was not wearing underwear. He sometimes still brings it up and says he's glad he was unconscious when they undressed him. I told him not to worry, the ER staff sees a lot worse than a guy without underwear).


Anonymous said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA! This made my day!

Oh I always give directions like that. Turn left by the yellow house. No the other yellow house


wizardjks said...

it's hard to go around with an appendage that has a mind of its own
not to mention temperature sensitive

i know of people that measure temperature by the bricks they sit on

you sit on a brick and if the balls touch the floor it's hot as one brick

2 bricks
and so on and so forth haha