The Disabled Guy prefers just a handshake...

So, most of you all know that I do the renaissance faire thing. I dress in garb and
  I also happen to take a lot of photos while I'm there.

A group of friends- who I refer to collectively as "My Sea Captains"- play a game called Spanish Towers. It is also known as "Sword Point Towers" and "Giant Jenga"... originally, they played with a set of blocks that came in a nice little box with terribly sharp handles and they'd just drag that around from location to location. I'm not entirely sure what prompted the change (something about swords, stabbings, splinters)- but now they have different blocks and no box to cart them around in and it is a little bit of a pain in the ass. That's a lot of blocks and they're not very big blocks, so the odds of losing one or two is pretty good.

Here are a few photos of My Sea Captains and the game of Spanish Towers-








You get the idea...

Well, at the most recent Gathering of Rogues and Ruffians, I suggested to my sea captains that I'd ask the Disabled Guy if he could/would make a box for them to tote their blocks around in. And of course, he said he would.

Today, the Disabled Guy started "wondering" about the box he was going to create (and he's got like, six months as they technically don't need it till Janesville Renaissance Faire).  He was asking me dimensions (it happens to be written down- the measurements) and I thought he was confused by how big it had to be. The tower measures 32 inches by 10.5 by 10.5. So, I kept re-explaining it to him.

When you translate English into Stroke English, sometimes it takes a few different tries to get to one the Stroke person can understand. But he finally got it across to me- he was asking if the box had to be a perfectly-shaped rectangle.

DG: "This box... what if I made it look like a treasure chest? You know, with the top [hand gesture] that isn't flat? Rounded on top?"  and he kept making a slightly round-on-top gesture with his hand.

Me: "They would probably love that. They would love it a lot. You know, if you did that, the sea captains would woo you. They would woo you so hard!"

DG: "What does that mean?"

Me: "Woo, you know, like romantically... I have a video where the captains are teaching Andrew how to woo a lady."

DG: "Who is Andrew?"

Me: "That's Anne-Drew. A girl named Kait plays Anne-Drew, Frobisher's ship's boy..."

I could see I was starting to lose him- too many names, too much detail- so I said: "I have a video. C'mere... this is where the sea captains teach Anne-Drew how to woo a lady."


After he saw the video, he chuckled. "Woo a lady... tell 'em a handshake is just fine. They can woo someone else."

For the record, I sent a text to Captain Hawkyns with a very shortened version of that conversation and his reply to the treasure chest was: "Yup, we'd like that a bit."

Unfortunately for Anne-Drew, that means there probably won't be wheels on one end for ease of dragging. But at least it'll look cool, right? And he said he'd make sure the handles don't cut into fingers- he hates hat too.

Oh, and just in case anyone forgot about his box-making skills...

Cracker BARREL!

The Disabled Guy has this really annoying habit. Our son once went on a long road trip with him and said he did it every single time they passed a sign. So said Jason: "Do you know how many Cracker Barrels there are between here and North Carolina?"

I'm not positive, but I'd say a lot.

I get treated to this little symphony every time we go... well, anywhere. There's a Cracker Barrel restaurant in the next town. Today, I begged DG to go with me to Madison so I could take a photo of a billboard that two of my photos are on. (those are links, you can click them, we'll wait)... Along the way, we passed a few signs for Cracker Barrel. So, I got to hear the Cracker Barrel Symphony. A lot.

After the fourth time, I said something like: "At least you don't say it when you're alone."

I was met with dead silence. I looked over at him. He had a small, smirk-y smile.

"Oh, God. You say it even when you're alone."

DG: "No... [stifles a snicker]... I don't."

Me: "You do. You actually shout out 'Cracker BARREL' when you're driving some place alone."

DG: "I do not." And then he couldn't stifle his laughter.

Yes. He does. He shouts "Cracker BARREL!" when he's alone in the truck.

And now to give you a taste of it, enjoy this short video of me trying to get him to say it so I could record it and move along in my blog-writing. Enjoy the view of part of the Wall of Awesome.




Also worth noting, while on this trip to and from Madison, he sang along to this song- sang every single word.

Long time, no updates part forty-seven-fifty-two...

I just made that number up. I have no idea how many times I've taken this long of a break. There have been some small updates, in the Facebook group- but other than that, not many long conversations. At least, nothing I'd consider long enough for a blog post.

But that brings us to today.

We have dogs. You all know that. We have a lot of dogs. Five Chihuahuas and a German Shepherd. So, technically, we have three dogs, tops. And, in order of them joining our family, we have: Gypsy (German Shepherd), Luna (Taco Bell Chi), Jasper (Teacup chi), Bruno (result of Luna and Jasper), Gregg (The girl dog with a boy name) and Beefy (the chi who went to someone else and then had to come back).

I put a lot of thought into their names- except Gregg and Beefy. I had no hand in naming them. Beefy's name was Tempest for a bit, but Beefy is the name that stuck. And I'd rather call her Houdini, because she's an escape artist.

But I digress.

Today, while we were eating dinner, The Disabled Guy motioned to Jasper and Luna, sleeping on the floor, near him. "You better watch it, I'll sic my beasts on you."

Me: "Beasts? Really?  Beasts?"

He nodded toward Gregg, who was burrowed under the blankets on the sofa. "I got one over here, too. I call her The Sleeper."

Me: "The Sleeper?"

DG: "Yeah. And that's The Mouth."

I pointed out another: "What about that one?"

DG: "That one? That's the Bouncer."  I pointed at another and he said: "That's the Squiggler." And the last one: "That's the Instigator."

So, I now introduce you to the apparent Canine Mafia that lives in our house.


Gregg, aka: The Sleeper.



Jasper, aka: The Mouth.



Bruno, aka: The Bouncer.



Luna, aka: The Squiggler.



Beefy Houdini, aka: The Instigator.



And last, but not least, Gypsy, aka: The Ears.




EDITED TO ADD:

DG just said: "Gypsy is the Boss. She tells everyone what to do. And Jasper, The Mouth, he always gets into arguments. You know that's true. Never shuts up."

Me: "What about The Bouncer? What's he do? And The Squiggler, what's her thing? The Sleeper?"

After a pause he relied: "I don't know, but when you wake up with a horse's head in bed, you'll know the Mafia was there."

Piranha, it comes from below.

Today is that all-American holiday and USA network is using that as another excuse for all-day NCIS episodes. I had the TV on while I was blowdrying my hair and the Disabled Guy came into the room. There was a platoon of Marines running on the beach and chanting their cadence. I asked DG if he was having flashbacks (He wasn't a Marine, he was in the Army, but they all do the cadence thing when they're in boot camp). He said he wasn't... and then the half-decomposed corpse of the episode made its appearance.

I said: "Well, that's enough to make you break formation."

DG: "He's had better days."

Ducky (the medical examiner, for those of you under 40 who don't watch the show) was explaining the man's injuries and Dinozzo (one of the agents) said the "This was not a boating accident!" line from "JAWS" (even though Ducky's assessment was that a boat prop had sliced off the corpse's arm).

DG: "It was a Piranha. Left him out there to get all ate up."

Me: "In salt water? Piranhas?"

DG: "Yeah. Piranhas. I saw it... [long pause]... On TV."

Me: "Of course you did."

DG: "PIRANHA! It comes from below. [long pause] And it bites you!"

Me: "I don't think I saw the same thing on TV that you did."

DG: "TV doesn't lie!"

Me: "Oh, sure. That's a real corpse."

DG: "Of course it is."

Me: "I hope they paid the corpse well. Being an extra in a TV show is tough."

DG: "He's not an extra, he's a STAR!"

Me: "He didn't have any lines. He's an extra."

DG: "He had lines. You just couldn't hear him. [lowers voice to squeaky whisper] PIRANHAS DID IT!"

You ask a simple question...

I can't see the sofa in the living room from where my desk is situated. Our living room and dining room make an L-shaped area that is open. But he's at the other side of the L, around the corner. My desk is in the dining room because its the largest room in the house and even before we had the Internet, I had a desk here with a typewriter (then a small word processor called "Desktop Publisher" made by Brother) because I fancied myself a writer.

Our stairs make a distinctive sound when different people walk down them and I thought I heard him come downstairs. But he didn't say anything. And he didn't change the TV channel. When I'm on the computer, I have the TV on as background noise because without it, the dogs bark at all the outside noises. From the wind, to cars driving by, to a leaf gently brushing against another leaf. So, its on the USA channel with a "Law & Order SVU" marathon on right now.

Me: "Are you down here?"

DG: "Yeah."

Me: "I thought you would have changed the channel."

DG: "Not yet."

Me: "Isn't your race on?" [NASCAR]

DG: "Yes."

Me: "Then why aren't you watching it?"

DG: "It isn't on yet."

Me: "Dude, I just asked you if it was on."

DG: "Oh... [pause] No... [pause]  Not yet."

You had one job, DG.

Textually Speaking, the Oreo NASCAR edition

I love Oreos. A lot. Not so much that it takes over my life or causes me to do silly things with them, like, say... put them in a 365 days photo.




No, that's not weird at all.

Well, today, I took a break from my work (photo editing) and had some Oreos as a snack. Okay, so maybe I had Oreos for lunch. Whatever... don't you judge me, dammit!

Where was I? Oh, the Oreos... Apparently, Oreos is having some kind of contest involving NASCAR and their cookies are imprinted on one side with random NASCAR stuff. So, while I was taking my break from photo editing, I took cell phone photos of the Oreos and sent them, without any explanation, to the Disabled Guy.

Me: "I'm about to dunk Tony Stewart!"

DG: "No! Not Tony! What did he do 2 U?"



Me: "HE'S NEXT!!"

DG: "Run, Newman! RUN!" (Ryan Newman)



DG: "Well, suck my dick, you done ate my drivers!"



DG: "I hope you enjoyed eating them. Meanie."



I told him that they tasted like Oreos and that's all that mattered. So, I went back to work, he went back to watching the race. A few hours after our cookie exchange, DG sent me another text.

DG: "Matt Kenseth won. Tony was down a lap."

Me: "Are you telling me this because I ate the #14 cookie?"

DG: "Yes. U 8 his MOJO!"

Me: "Eww, gross!"

DG: "U did it!!"

Me: "His mojo tasted a lot like an Oreo cookie."

DG: "Whatever it tasted like, you done killed my driver! Boo-hoo-boo-hoo!!!!"

I caused Tony Stewart to lose today's race because of my love for Oreos.

And you know what?

I'd totally do it again.

Textually Speaking, Photography version

For those who don't know, I'm a freelance photographer. And I don't mean that I'm a bored housewife who takes a photo of a lawnchair, throws a sepia filter on it and calls herself an artist and photographer. I'm totally legit in that I get paid to take photos. I've sold some art photos and I have a semi-regular gig doing product photos for a local clothing designer. Product photos are mostly technical and very little art. Now, originally, I'd get a call or email every few months and I'd take photos of three or four shoes. And a few times, I took photos of a few totally wonderful leather jackets. One thing- the shoes are hard to photograph because this designer uses amazing leather that is so soft and beautiful that it doesn't stand up on its own. And the jackets? Oh, my... if I could just wrap up in one forever, I'd be happy, they're that soft.

But I digress...

A couple weeks ago, the call came in for me to drive to Rockford and take photos of "some shoes". That turned out to be 11 products. Six photos per product. This is my usual set up, my makeshift "light box". A roll of "bright white" artist paper, a couple of lights and a table. When I was shooting just a few sandals of darker colors, it was fine. But this last shoot involved not just brown and black, but blue, gold, and several different white sandals.




With all the varying colors, the background changed shades from whitest-white to dark grey. So, I invested in a light tent (just like a "real" photographer would use!). This with three lights should work great...

One light on each side, one over the top, and you get a stark white background and very little Photoshopping is needed.




So, I still had a little bit of an issue with shadows on the bottom, which is no biggie, really... but I decided to see if I could get that floating white background without having to Photoshop (that's referred to as: "in camera"). I found a link that tells how to do it easily with what I've got already (the light tent is a plus) and a sheet of Plexiglas. Now, the person who wrote the blog kept referring to it as "Plexiglas" and "bendable Plexiglas". So, I was wondering if they were thinking of something else and just CALLING it Plexiglas (which is a brand name, like Kleenex and Xerox).

So, I texted the Disabled Guy with: "Is Plexiglas bendy?"

DG: "No. Why?"

Me: "Is there a clear plastic thing that's bendy? Slightly bendy, not fold-in-half bendy. "

DG: "No. What do u need it 4?" (look how good he is with the text speak!)

Me: "I found a way to get the background I need for the product pics & they kept calling it Plexiglass, but it's bendy."

DG: "It does bend."

Me: "You just told me Plexiglas doesn't bend."

DG: "No I didn't."

Me: [forwarded his text back to him with my original question]

DG: "Well, look at that. I guess I did."

Me: "So... can I get this at Home Depot or something?"

DG: "I thought you was asking if I had any. No, I don't. Yes, you can."

So, I need to make a run to Home Depot to get a piece of bendy Plexiglas because apparently, we don't have any at the house.