"It's a Conspiracy!"

The person who designed our house was psychotic. Its a two-story house, with only one bathroom (and that's upstairs). The bathroom door opens out into the hallway. The "laundry room" was in a dank, limestone basement, prone to flooding. (we moved it upstairs, to the porch off the kitchen- WHICH IS ANOTHER THING!)... that porch was a three-season porch with no insulation and no way to get into the house without walking through the kitchen first.

DG fixed a few of these things. He put a wall up on that porch to make it two sides- the laundry room on one side and the porch, smaller on the other. He took out a window to make a doorway into the house. It was in building that wall that he put a drill bit through my finger. That's not a DG-story and it is kinda gross, so I'll only share it if nobody minds. (that is, if I haven't already shared it).

So, we have a laundry room upstairs now. We've had our kitchen remodeled (by professional contractors, not DG, he knows that was too great a task for him, even as talented as he is). The bathroom is still upstairs and the door still opens out, not much we can do there (opening in would hit the sink).

My chief complaint of weirdness in how our house was designed or remodeled or whatever- we don't have enough outlets. I can hear you now: "But, Patty, none of us have enough outlets!" In my dining room, where my computer is located (because its the biggest room downstairs- yeah, that's another thing...), I have two outlets. Within five feet of each other. The living room has one on two walls and on the third wall (the fourth wall has a staircase on it)- the third wall has three outlets. In my dining room, there are no outlets on the opposite wall. And don't get me started on the kitchen (there are a total of three and two are within three feet of each other).

So...

Ceej plugs in multiple things at one time. She can't do this in her room (don't get me started on room outlets!) because she hasn't gotten around to clearing things up from her move-home-from-college. So, there's an extension cord from the kitchen, around the corner, onto a bookcase where she's got the power cords for her iPod and mobile phone.

Today, DG walked by, caught the extension cord with his foot and pulled down not just her phone, but a couple books and a roll of duct tape. He turned, flailed helplessly for a moment as he untangled his foot from the cord.

I said: "Look what you did!"

DG: "Don't blame me! I didn't put the cord there!" and he looked at me with a bizarre and hilarious intensity.

Me: "You know we had no choice. There's no outlet there!"

DG: "IT'S A CONSPIRACY! *short pause* OF OUTLETS!"

Me: "You mean lack of outlets."

DG: "THAT TOO!" followed by intense staring at the extension cord.

"She's smart! She figured it out!"

We have too many dogs. Gypsy the German Shepherd, Luna the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Jasper the tri-color chocolate, Bruno who was the result of Luna and Jasper, Gregg the Girl Dog with a Boy Name and right now, we have Tempest- the Tasmanian Devil of Chihuahuas (but she's leaving soon). We also have cats. Up till a few months ago, we had four cats but our oldest daughter took two of them to live with her in her apartment (which she moved to a couple years ago, she just had to convince the boyfriend to let her bring two along).

We ended up having to put a gate on the stairs to keep the Chihuahuas from getting into the cat boxes and cat food. The cats used to be able to jump over it and come and go, but they don't anymore and seem to have no interest in the downstairs. Except for tormenting the dogs through the gate. Which they do on a multi-daily basis.

Gregg the Girl Dog is usually the first leading the brigade in Barking.

DG gets irritated (because a lot of Chihuahuas barking, harmonized by a German Shepherd.... little irritating). Among the stuff he shouts at them ("shut up! knock it off! Stop barking!"), he threatens them... ridiculously.

"I'm gonna shoot you!"

Ceej: "Dad. Gregg has no idea what that means."

DG: "She knows I'm gonna get a gun and shoot her!"

Ceej: "She doesn't know what a gun is!"

DG: "Yes, she does! She knows what a gun is!"

Ceej: "She's a dog, Dad. She's never been out of the house- out of the yard. She doesn't know what a gun is or what it means to be shot."

DG: "She's smart! She figured it out!"

Me: "She's smart? What, is she reading books and shit?"

Even DG couldn't keep a straight face... he said: "Didn't you know?" but it was laced with laughter.

For your viewing pleasure- Gregg the Girl Dog with a Boy Name



And, a shot of Gregg the girl Dog with her pup- Tempest.