Random Ramblings of the Disabled Guy

The actress, Halle Berry, is a spokes person for a make-up company. And she looks stunning in the ad, as she seems to always look, everywhere. DG watched the TV ad and then said:

"Was that... Hare- Harry- Harry Ball..." He paused, took a breath and said, "Harry Bare- You know, that actress that's in that movie with that guy who was the guy but not the other guy?"

I replied, "Yes. Yes it was. Halle Berry was in that movie with that guy who was the guy but not the other guy."

DG: "So you saw it too!?"

Me: "We saw it together. On our way back from that happy land in your head."

DG: "Ahhh... its nice there."

Me: "Except for the unicorns."

DG: *dramatically* "There ARE NO UNICORNS!"

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The weather has warmed up (like it has for everyone in the Northern Hemisphere). I took the heavy comforter off our bed because its so hot. Except for DG. Apparently, he's cold. Damn cold. I went back to our room the other morning and he was curled up in a ball with the blankets- yes, plural- wadded up behind him and he was uncovered. When he woke up, I asked him about the blankets and why he was uncovered if he were so cold.

DG: "I done scared the blankets off me."

Me: "Why would you do that if you're so cold?"

DG: "Those blankets don't know I'm cold. Its their job to keep me warm."

Me: "How are they going to keep you warm if they're wadded up behind you on the bed?"

DG: "How am I supposed to know? I don't speak 'blanket'."

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A few days ago, I did a short reading on video of a book called "FLU" by Wayne Simmons. Mr. Simmons approved of my silly video and I made it visible to the Facebook world. Then on YouTube so he could use it on any sites he wanted. Then, I figured since his first novel is set for re-release next year, I would do a quick reading on that. I had to do several takes of the video because I'd either screw something up too much to read through or the light was wrong or whatever. Just as I was getting ready to hit the record button, I heard DG coming up the stairs. So I waited.

When he saw me sitting on the edge of the bed, next to the window, book in hand, camera on a tripod, he exclaimed: "What are you doing!?"

Me: "I'm going to do a video of myself reading from "Drop Dead Gorgeous" for Wayne like I did with "FLU", you remember?"

DG: "Oh, then go ahead." and he waved his arm dismissively.

Me: "Sure, I'm going to do a video of myself reading from a horror novel while you strip for a shower in the background."

DG: *by now, his shirt is off* "I said I don't care!" and he did a jerky version of the bacon dance. The difference between the real bacon dance and any other dance is the noise he makes when he does it. This time, his noise was a high pitched: "Woooooo-wooooooo-woooooo!"

So I turned the camera on...

And he stopped!

I turned the camera off again. And he undid his jeans. Camera on. He stopped. Camera off. He started making the "wooooo-woooooo-wooooo!" sounds and doing a slow version of the bacon dance. Camera on. He stopped. Camera off. And I let him go ahead and get naked without fear of video. He was decidedly not willing to let you all see the "Doodle/Bacon Dance".

He just said: "There's just some things you gotta have to yourself."

Me: "But what about the Bacon Dance?"

DG: "What about the Bacon Dance?"

Me: "You did it on video."

DG: "I was framed! It was my twin! No! It was my stand-in! You know, like that guy in the movie who looks like that guy!"

And he walked upstairs, "woooooo-wooooo-wooooing" and when he reached the landing he let out a "Yeee-haaaawww!" in the same high-pitch.

A pre-blog conversation with the Disabled Guy-

I started this blog on December 24, 2009. And part of the reason I did was because I shared the "Rats with Nike Shoes" story so many times that I figured I should find a place to compile all the conversations.

In perusing my Facebook profile today, I found a conversation that took place about two weeks before I started the blog. And here it is, directly copy/pasted.

December 11, 2009-

I was in the shower. I was nearly done in the shower. I should point out that I'm also hard of hearing, so add the shower noise to enhance my non-hearing-ness.

Disabled guy: "*mumble-mumble* ...battery for my truck?"

Me: "You want me to get the battery for your truck?"

DG: "Well, do you want to go with me?"

Me: "Do you need me to go? I have to go to Woodman's (grocery store) today." and I listed the few things I had to pick up. "Are you going to go with me to Woodman's?"

DG: *pause* "Well, you'll need to *mumble-something-truck-mumble* I mean, my truck's full of snow."

Me: "I see... I'll have to go with you to get your battery, come home, get my truck and go to Woodman's alone?"

DG: *pause* "Kinda."

Me: "Can I finish my shower first?"

DG: "I suppose so."

I wouldn't go if he didn't actually need me to go. He's been worn out this week from the cold and all the activity, so his speech is slurred and he can't remember the year of his truck. But I digress. I'm showered, blow-dried, and dressed... even though that wasn't part of the agreement in the conversation.

Upon reading this earlier today, I realized there are many, many conversations that I've forgotten. I need to shake the cobwebs from my brain and remember more. We had some terrific video footage of DG arguing with my Magic 8 Ball, but when I played it back on the computer, the TV was too loud and the loud, smashy, robotic sounds of the second Transformers movie drowned out most of the human conversation. But, I can tell you that according to DG, the Magic 8 Ball is a "lying shithead" and "it lies so bad".

And he still doesn't trust HDTV.

The Disabled Guy, the handicapped man, the crippled dude, the differently-abled male...

Every night at 10 PM Central US time, DG turns the TV to channel 188, which is "Centric" on our cable system. At 10 PM Central US time, on the weekdays, Centric shows episodes of "Miami Vice". DG loved that show when it was on back in the 80s. He has several episodes on VHS. When he got those, he thought he was buying the whole series, two episodes at a time. Turns out he was buying a "best of" collection.

Even though he has acknowledged the show is horrifyingly dated and cheesy, he still watches. Sometimes, the channel repeats episodes often enough for DG to decide not to watch that night. Last night was one of those nights.

Jase was watching some martial arts thing on a sports channel. DG noticed the time and demanded the channel changed to "Miami Vice". We have an interactive cable box that shows a summary of a show when the channel is changed or if we hit the appropriate button (you're saying, "Yeah, we get it, move on..."). The summary read: "Miami Vice; Pilot- Part ONE...."

DG said in a dead-even tone, without a hint of humor or sarcasm: "Its the pilot. The first one. The episode that started it all. The very first show. The show that let us know what the whole thing was about." and he trailed off there.

Jase and I broke into laughter. "Really?" Jase asked. "Are you sure?"

Then we started with our own versions.

Mine-

"That's my dog. A German Shepherd. A canine. A female dog. Man's best friend."

"Pharmacy. Where you get your prescription filled. A drugstore. An apothecary."

Jase-

"That's my cat. A feline. The kitty. Arwen."

"That's my shoe. Nike. Sneaker. Footwear."

DG has become a thesaurus. At least about cheesy shows from the 1980s.