The Disabled Guy hates needles, another Textually Speaking...

I gotta say, these text convos are way easier to share now that I have a phone that does screen captures. I used to have to type them all up manually...

Anyway...

DG hates needles. Which makes the fact he has a monthly blood check even funnier to me. His fear of needles is so bad that he looks away when it happens in a movie. We all do that with some things- for me its anyone causing an injury to themselves. Especially a knee/foot injury, because I've had so many issues with my own that I KNOW how bad it really hurts.

Now, he doesn't faint with this fear of needles. He just can't watch the action. (I can, if they let me. And I'd photograph it, if they'd let me). His fear is that while they're jamming the needles into the flesh, that the needle will break off just under the skin and you'll die before they can stop it. Which is ridiculous and he knows how ridiculous it is- but, phobias make no sense.

This came up because a month ago, I had a steroid shot in my foot for a very long-term plantar faciitis issue. (also known as "bone spurs" and "Pain so bad it feels like a burning hot railroad spike is being hammered into my heel").
Here's a link to my blog about it- with pictures! Well, that shot didn't take. It started out okay, but within a week, I was back to the original level of pain. So yesterday, I had another appointment. My options were limited to: "Get another shot and hope for the best" or "get surgery".

Normally, I'd jump on that surgical bandwagon with the speed of the Flash. Anything to rid myself of this pain. However, one needs at least six weeks to recover (three weeks in a cast) and I don't have that kind of time. In about five weeks, I'm going to start my busy time. The funny thing is- I have about six weeks between all that and the opening of Bristol. But the problem is that I also have fibromyalgia and there is no way to predict how long a delay I'll get from that... but I digress... Today, I sent a text to DG and told him what the doctor told me while I had the needle in my foot.

What he's saying is that he walked into his room, saw a new message 

on his phone and was shocked and grossed out to read what I sent. 

Textually-speaking about sofas and lobsters

A few years ago, DG wanted to build a sofa for our living room because our old one (which wasn't all that old, really) became irreparable. He was looking for a specific type of sofa to copy. You know which kind- from the 1970s- heavy wood construction, bare wood arms and frame, with three cushions with the most god-awful, ugly 1970s style upholstery ever. To do this, he needed me to find a photo of one for him.

I am pretty experienced in Google-fu. I can find almost anything and do so quite quickly. I was so good at Googling things that my dad used to call me and ask me to search for something because it was quicker than him trying to do it himself. But no matter what kind of keywords I put in, I could not find that specific style of sofa. I finally asked in the general discussion area of a message board I used to frequent called "Bonesmart". It was a place for folks with joint replacements and I was one of the youngest people there. And guess what... someone had a photo. Not just a photo, they had the actual wooden frame (without cushions!) in their garage and they literally took a photo for him.

And he built the sofa, which is what we were talking about in this text conversation. I told him that "Raising Arizona" was on and I realized that Nic Cage's character had the entire living room set of that furniture. All those weeks I spent searching the internet for a goddamn photo and it was right there in a DVD that we owned and could have taken a photo of on the TV. So, I've told you all this solely to explain that DG's "I know" is in reply to me telling him that "Raising Arizona" was made by the Coen Brothers, who also made "O, Brother, Where Art Thou?" (a movie that not only he likes, but his father likes too).

So, we went from a discussion about sofas to lobsters, literally like this:



And the "Huge lobster"? Here's that very photo he sent to me.



That is definitely a huge lobster!

Textually Speaking, the Oreo NASCAR edition

I love Oreos. A lot. Not so much that it takes over my life or causes me to do silly things with them, like, say... put them in a 365 days photo.




No, that's not weird at all.

Well, today, I took a break from my work (photo editing) and had some Oreos as a snack. Okay, so maybe I had Oreos for lunch. Whatever... don't you judge me, dammit!

Where was I? Oh, the Oreos... Apparently, Oreos is having some kind of contest involving NASCAR and their cookies are imprinted on one side with random NASCAR stuff. So, while I was taking my break from photo editing, I took cell phone photos of the Oreos and sent them, without any explanation, to the Disabled Guy.

Me: "I'm about to dunk Tony Stewart!"

DG: "No! Not Tony! What did he do 2 U?"



Me: "HE'S NEXT!!"

DG: "Run, Newman! RUN!" (Ryan Newman)



DG: "Well, suck my dick, you done ate my drivers!"



DG: "I hope you enjoyed eating them. Meanie."



I told him that they tasted like Oreos and that's all that mattered. So, I went back to work, he went back to watching the race. A few hours after our cookie exchange, DG sent me another text.

DG: "Matt Kenseth won. Tony was down a lap."

Me: "Are you telling me this because I ate the #14 cookie?"

DG: "Yes. U 8 his MOJO!"

Me: "Eww, gross!"

DG: "U did it!!"

Me: "His mojo tasted a lot like an Oreo cookie."

DG: "Whatever it tasted like, you done killed my driver! Boo-hoo-boo-hoo!!!!"

I caused Tony Stewart to lose today's race because of my love for Oreos.

And you know what?

I'd totally do it again.

Textually Speaking, Photography version

For those who don't know, I'm a freelance photographer. And I don't mean that I'm a bored housewife who takes a photo of a lawnchair, throws a sepia filter on it and calls herself an artist and photographer. I'm totally legit in that I get paid to take photos. I've sold some art photos and I have a semi-regular gig doing product photos for a local clothing designer. Product photos are mostly technical and very little art. Now, originally, I'd get a call or email every few months and I'd take photos of three or four shoes. And a few times, I took photos of a few totally wonderful leather jackets. One thing- the shoes are hard to photograph because this designer uses amazing leather that is so soft and beautiful that it doesn't stand up on its own. And the jackets? Oh, my... if I could just wrap up in one forever, I'd be happy, they're that soft.

But I digress...

A couple weeks ago, the call came in for me to drive to Rockford and take photos of "some shoes". That turned out to be 11 products. Six photos per product. This is my usual set up, my makeshift "light box". A roll of "bright white" artist paper, a couple of lights and a table. When I was shooting just a few sandals of darker colors, it was fine. But this last shoot involved not just brown and black, but blue, gold, and several different white sandals.




With all the varying colors, the background changed shades from whitest-white to dark grey. So, I invested in a light tent (just like a "real" photographer would use!). This with three lights should work great...

One light on each side, one over the top, and you get a stark white background and very little Photoshopping is needed.




So, I still had a little bit of an issue with shadows on the bottom, which is no biggie, really... but I decided to see if I could get that floating white background without having to Photoshop (that's referred to as: "in camera"). I found a link that tells how to do it easily with what I've got already (the light tent is a plus) and a sheet of Plexiglas. Now, the person who wrote the blog kept referring to it as "Plexiglas" and "bendable Plexiglas". So, I was wondering if they were thinking of something else and just CALLING it Plexiglas (which is a brand name, like Kleenex and Xerox).

So, I texted the Disabled Guy with: "Is Plexiglas bendy?"

DG: "No. Why?"

Me: "Is there a clear plastic thing that's bendy? Slightly bendy, not fold-in-half bendy. "

DG: "No. What do u need it 4?" (look how good he is with the text speak!)

Me: "I found a way to get the background I need for the product pics & they kept calling it Plexiglass, but it's bendy."

DG: "It does bend."

Me: "You just told me Plexiglas doesn't bend."

DG: "No I didn't."

Me: [forwarded his text back to him with my original question]

DG: "Well, look at that. I guess I did."

Me: "So... can I get this at Home Depot or something?"

DG: "I thought you was asking if I had any. No, I don't. Yes, you can."

So, I need to make a run to Home Depot to get a piece of bendy Plexiglas because apparently, we don't have any at the house.

There's a new squirrel in the neighborhood...

In case you just found this blog and haven't gone through the YEARS of old posts, here's the story of the
~Squirrel Protection Agency and the Squirrel Bureau of Investigation~

and

~Part two of the story~

That brings us to a text convo from today:

Me: "There's a new stumpy-tailed squirrel."

DG: "Maybe they're related."

Me: "Maybe he's a witness to another Squirrel Mafia hit."

DG: "It could be. It COULD be. hmmm..."

Me: "His tail isn't AS stumpy as the other one, but it is definitely stumpy."

DG: "Okay. You keep an eye on things there."

Me: "Is that what you would do? Observe and report but not engage?"

DG: "Yes. The birds are narcs."

Me: "That explains why there are so many of them."

DG: "Yeah, and the bunnies."

Me: "What about the little chipmunks? [Christine asked]: Are they dealers because they're always saying: 'Izz goo-oood'?"

DG: "Damn, I forgot about them. The bastards."

Me: "I'll watch out for them too. You can't trust them, they're shifty."

Our squirrels don't stick around much when a human comes outside because we also have dogs (and the German Shepherd has actually caught a squirrel before), so if I can, I'll get a photo of the new squirrel. Odds are, it'll run as soon as the door opens, because you never know when Gypsy will conquer the Doorknob.

Textually Speaking 2013 (and, long time, no update...)

DG is down in North Carolina again. We all know that he's got some communication issues. He has trouble expressing his own thoughts and, obviously the basis of this blog, sometimes he'll blurt the absolute wrong word or phrase, resulting in hilarity (mostly). Now, we're closing in on eighteen years since he had his stroke. It is what it is and it isn't going to get better.

That said... his mother talks fast. Really fast. I'm not exaggerating when I compare her to an auctioneer. And, being from North Carolina, she's got a Southern accent. Really fast. Really Southern. She makes almost no effort to change her speaking rate or whatnot when she's talking to DG. Granted, she doesn't live with him like we do, but when he's visiting for an extended period of time, one would think that an effort would be made. (this is actual fact, she also knows this, so it isn't like I'm being a big meanie to point this out).

This is a text conversation that happened yesterday. (all spelling errors are as they are in the text because in texts, he spells phonetically)

DG: "Mom wants a updayed pics of the kids & us."

Me: "Okay. What size?"

[long delay in the reply, partly because he doesn't have a QWERTY keyboard on his phone]

DG: "She would like 1 big pic all 3 kids, 5x7 single the kids & 8x10 of us"

Me: "What about 5x7 of Jason and his girlfriend? Kat and Tyler?" (Jase has been with his girlfriend for over a year now and Kat and Tyler have been together for, I don't know, fifteen years? Three years?).

DG: "Yess she said she would love that."

So, I start looking through my Flickr account because I have a folder there of just "the kids" and I back up most of my stuff there as well as my backup hard drive. I have no recent photos of Kat and Tyler, no recent "studio" shots of the three kids, but I have Jason and his girlfriend and a shot of Christine- from December- and the shot of us from October. So, I tell him this in a text: "Got no recent of Kat and T, none of Kat or Jase alone, no recent group shot of the kids."

Ten minutes later, my phone rings. Fuck that noise, he's calling. Texting ain't gonna happen. He tells me: "Hey, Mom says..." and his voice trails off as his mother talks in the background. Before I could even utter that he should give her the phone, he says: "Here, talk to her yourself."

So, his mom gets on the phone and starts talking. And talking. We work out that I'll upload the photos I do have to Walgreen's and arrange for pickup in their town in North Carolina. I'm not overly thrilled with that, because the one-hour Walgreen's only offers the option of "glossy" finish. Plus, they're hugely overpriced compared to the website I get my photos from now (Adoramapix-dot-com). For example, on Walgreen's website, it costs $1.99 for a glossy 5x7 and it doesn't specify what type of paper they use. At Adoramapix, I can get a Kodak Professional Supra Endura in matte, lustre, glossy, or metallic. And I'm extremely fond of the metallic prints (not to be confused with their Metallic prints, which are actually on metal) because they look bloody sharp. And, I can get a 5x7 in the metallic finish for 84¢. That's CENTS. BUT, I digress...

After I made the proper verbal arrangements with his mom, DG got back on the phone and he did a short, slightly nervous chuckle. "You get all that?"

I replied, "Of course."

DG: "I wasn't gonna be able to text that whole thing."

Me: "I know. It's okay. I got it."

DG: "Crazy."

Me: "A little."

In the time I was talking to his mother, I found the current photos I had and told him of what I did and didn't have, to make sure he knew I didn't have ALL the photos. And we hung up. I then uploaded the four photos I had (one of me and him, one of Jase and his girlfriend, one with Jase, girlfriend, and her daughter[no public photo], and one of Christine- cropped slightly), and texted DG with the pickup time info. When he replied "okay", I told him how pricey Walgreen's was compared to the Adoramapix prices.

DG: "Really? That's stupid."

Me: "I know. I'm glad this isn't one of my art photos."

DG: "They don't like art."

Me: "I know."

DG: "Mom has a coupon."

They ended up getting the $10-something photos for $7-something. So the coupon did come in handy. Even though my photos are bleh on some unknown paper with glossy finish. And as luck would have it, I was able to wrangle the three kids together for a photo shoot on March 26th. And I've got it arranged for Kat and Tyler on the 24th. BUT, since I'm going to need prints for myself and my dad, I'm just going to order them at Adoramapix on good quality paper with a nice finish. Because dammit, my kids deserve pretty pictures.

After it was all over, I asked: "She still doesn't slow down for you?"

DG: "Nope."

Me: "Doesn't even try?"

DG: "Nope."

Me: "How do you listen to her?"

DG: "I don't. lol."

Part textually speaking, part other stuff...

The Disabled Guy and the boy (who is almost 19 years old, but he'll always be "the boy" to me) went on a trip down to North Carolina. I'm sure you remember, there was at least one blog about it. DG has been texting me daily. No kidding. Daily.

As you recall, he's had a stroke. I know! Sometimes you forget! And when he text-messages, it takes a lot of time to get a reply from him. A few times, he's replied faster, so he's either getting better at it or he's getting help.

Last night, the boy texted me about some stuff and ended with: "Tell Dad we need to get some Gummy Bears."

So I did. I texted to him: "Hey, you should go get some Gummy Bears."

DG replied: "Did Jason tell you to say that?"

Me: "No. Why?"

DG: "Yes way!"

Me: "I said 'why', not 'way'."

DG: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Me: "I said to get gummies. You asked if Jase told me to say that. I said 'No. WHY?' and you said 'Yes WAY'. I was just telling you what I said."

DG: "I don't even know what's going on."

Me: "You never do."

DG: "Sometimes I do."

Me: "Really? What's going on right now?"

DG: "I don't know.".

Me: "There you go."

DG: "Where am I going?"

So there you have it. I don't know if they ever did go get the Gummy Bears.

Other stuff...

Last week, the Regretsy lady put our etsy shop on the Facebook page (our linky-link to the shop). She was talking about disabled people in general- it started from a book she found called "Crafts for Retarded" from 1964. She immediately got anger-mail about it. My response to the anger-mail (which was hilarious, I swear, I almost busted something important laughing at it) was to explain, in expletive form, that DG does not embrace his disability, he hates it. He mocks it. And shortly after that, she put our shop up with: "Speaking of disabled people..." We made several sales and will now be able to make the semi-regular scheduled payments for our daughter's orchestra trip. The big payment is due in February, so we're okay as long as people will buy stuff over the next few months.

Here's the link to the Regretsy post that started it all.

And the angry mail (which turned out to be a ruse, but it was hilarious nonetheless).

This is April's entire intro to posting our shop link:

"Speaking of disabled people, here's a link I've been meaning to post for a long time. This is the Disabled Guy's shop. He's the husband of Regretsy regular Patty, who has been a huge supporter of our God given right to mock. Patty says he makes these birdhouses with one hand, which I can only assume means he's masturbating. In any case, I just bought one of these birdhouses to help them raise money for their daughter's school trip. Take a look at their lovely store and see if there's anything you like."

I love her so much. And even DG got the masturbating joke. "I wouldn't have been able to make those birdhouses if I was masturbating, so I had to stop till I finished the houses."

DG and the boy are due back in about two weeks. I don't know how much more of the texting I can take.